Buffy the Vampire Slayer-- The MUSICAL?!
by Kelonzi
Summary: I wrote this in response to a challenge a few months ago. Turn back ye searching for a plot in this wacked-out fic. Buffy & Company embark on one weird night of... weirdness. Cameos and singing abound!


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**BUFFY the VAMPIRE SLAYER**  
The _Musical?!_  
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BUFFY: (patrolling in the graveyard with the normal group when suddenly....) Alright, who's there?  
  
DAWN: (sneezes)   
  
XANDER: (hides behind Buffy) SNEEZING DEMON! SNEEZING DEMON!  
  
DAWN: (walks out, grinning sheepishly) Ooops.  
  
BUFFY: You can dig your fingers out of my ribcage now, Xander! Sneezing SISTER. Sneezing SISTER.  
  
XANDER: Knew that. Just testing your reflexes there, Buff.  
  
BUFFY: Well, they've been thoroughly tested. Now GET OFF. (deposits him on the ground in a heap)  
  
WILLOW: (walking hand in hand with Tara) Wonderful night, isn't it?  
  
TARA: Oh yeah. On a nightness scale this would definately rank right up there wonderful-wise.  
  
WILLOW: (sings) Strange dear, but true dear.  
When I'm close to you, dear,  
The stars fill the sky.  
So in love with you am I.  
  
(EVERYONE stares)  
  
WILLOW: What?  
  
GILES: You were---  
  
XANDER: Singing.  
  
WILLOW: I was? (clutches at her throat) No way. I don't sing.  
  
CORDY: That's what Angel used to say. Now can we get him to shut up? Nope.  
  
BUFFY: Cordelia? Where did you---?  
  
CORDY: Not sure. But we're here now.  
  
GUNN: (waves) Yo.  
  
WILLOW: This is weird. First singing and now you guys?  
  
WESLEY: Fascinating, isn't it?  
  
TARA: W-w-well, it was sweet. The song, I mean. I think Willow has a pretty voice.  
  
WILLOW: Awwww. That's why I love you. (hug)  
  
GUNN: WHO-OA! (shields his eyes) Not lookin', not gonna look.  
  
XANDER: You'll get used to it.  
  
BUFFY: Can someone please tell me what's going on here?  
  
WESLEY: It's alright. You're among friends.  
  
(sings) So no one told you life was gonna be this way  
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.  
Seems like we're always stuck in second gear  
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month  
Or even your year---  
  
SCOOBIES: We'll be there for you!  
  
CORDY: When the blood starts to pour.  
  
SCOOBIES: We'll be there for you!  
  
GUNN: Yeah, I've been there before.  
  
SCOOBIES: We'll be there for you!  
  
ANGEL: Cause you're there for me too!  
  
RILEY: (storms in, slamming Angel into a tree trunk) MY girlfriend!  
  
ANGEL: I told you not to push me, boy.  
  
BUFFY: It's alright, Riley. Angel was just----- singing to me?  
  
CORDY: (cringes) Yep. That's his definition of singing.  
  
WESLEY: At least it wasn't Manilow.  
  
HOST DEMON: Amen to that brother.  
  
ANYA: Who's the green guy?  
  
XANDER: (not paying attention) An, what have I said about being rude? I'm sure he's not green, he's just-- (turns around   
and comes face to face with the Host Demon) GREEN!  
  
HOST DEMON: Heard the kickin' tunes and couldn't help but stop by.  
  
BUFFY: See, that's the thing Mr.... Green Guy..... we don't ever sing. Okay, so there's Giles and apparently Angel, but on the whole, we go nice and song-less.  
  
HOST DEMON: Well, there's your problem! You have to be willing to grow a little! Do something spontanious! Exciting!  
  
WILLOW: Nuh-uh! I don't know if you ever watched the show before Angel left, but spontanious on me equals spaz.  
  
TARA: I still say you have a nice voice, Willow.  
  
WILLOW: That's just because you're my girlfriend. You HAVE to say that.  
  
GUNN: (cringes again) I think I need to go lie down or somethin'.  
  
XANDER: Shock wears off after about an hour or so. Don't worry.  
  
ANGEL: (standing off to the side with Buffy) Hey.  
  
BUFFY: Hey.  
  
ANGEL: So....  
  
BUFFY: So....  
  
RILEY: Oh yeah. You guys really must have been interesting to watch together. Monosyllabic-ness reigns supreme.  
  
XANDER: Nah. That was Oz's area.  
  
OZ: Yup.  
  
ALL: OZ?!!  
  
OZ: Hey.  
  
BUFFY: You're back!  
  
OZ: (glances over his shoulder) What about it?  
  
ALL: (groan)  
  
WILLOW: I never thought I'd ever see you again in my life.  
  
HOST DEMON: (on the microphone) I sense a song coming on, ladies and gentledemons!  
  
WILLOW: (sings) There are places I'll remember   
All my life though some have changed  
Some forever, not for better.  
Some have gone, and some remain  
  
BUFFY: All these places had their moments  
With lovers and friends, I still can recall  
Most are dead but SOME are living  
In my life I've loved them all.  
  
SPIKE: (mutters) Wonderful. Now I'll never be able to listen to this bleedin' song again without thinkin' of Buffy's sex life.  
  
BUFFY: (slaps him) Where'd you come from Spike?  
  
SPIKE: Same place the Nancy Boy and his wanker goof troop came from. Now sod off.  
  
DRU: Shhhh! Oi hear singin'....  
  
GUNN: Who-oa. Swift one, she is. Tell me, what was your first clue?  
  
DRU: Now don't be cross. Grandmother an' I were just out for dinner.  
  
DARLA: Courtesy of Wolfram & Hart. They've been endlessly helpful. (walks over and wraps her arms around Dru) Don't taste half bad either, do they sweetie?  
  
GUNN: Damn. If it ain't one set of girls gettin' all "friendly" it's another.  
  
TARA: You know, I think I've had just about enough of you mocking us because we aren't hanging off you masculine men and your.... manness! What do you think? That we're so frail and helpless that we need you to make us complete?! I'll have you know we're capable of taking care of ourselves!  
  
ALL: (stare, mouths hanging open)  
  
XANDER: She talks.  
  
ANYA: Without stuttering!  
  
CORDY: Catch me. I'm feeling faint.  
  
TARA: (mutters) T-t-that is, I think we can.  
  
DRU: (sings) First Oi was afraid, Oi was petrified...  
  
DARLA: Thinking I could not go on without you by my side.  
  
TARA: But then I spent all those nights thinking how you did me wrong  
  
WILLOW: And I grew strong! And I learned how to get along----  
  
SPIKE: Oh hold on with the Powerpuff Girls bit! (grabs the microphone) I'll show you how it's done.  
  
BUFFY: Spike's gonna sing?  
  
XANDER: I'm thinking "Macho Man" myself.  
  
ANYA: Strikes me as a Village People person.  
  
SPIKE: Shows how much you know, poofter.  
  
(clears his throat) Blame it all on my roots, I showed up in boots  
And ruined your black tie affair.  
The last one to know, the last one to show  
I was the last one you thought you'd see there.  
And I saw the surprise and the fear in his eyes  
When I took his glass of champaign  
And I toasted you, said honey we may be through  
But you'll never hear me complain!  
Cuz I've got friends in LOW places---  
  
XANDER: A phrase that takes on new meaning when we're talking about vampires.  
  
ANYA: Garth Brooks, eh? Oh, much more manly, Spike.  
  
SPIKE: Oh yeah? And if this show WAS a musical, what would you sing? Bleedin' Britney Spears?  
  
ANYA: Hey!  
  
GUNN: Ooo. Low blow.  
  
XANDER: And what about you, bazooka? What would YOU sing?  
  
GUNN: Gunn. Charles Gunn. Two n's.  
  
HOST DEMON: Now, now boys. I think it's about time we got a plot going for this thing.  
  
GUNN: (sits down on a bench) Ain't it a little late for that?  
  
CORDY: Ooo! Just thought of a good song! Gimme that thing. (snags the microphone away)  
  
(sings) Happiness is a warm gun..  
Happiness is a warm gun, momma  
When I hold you in my arms,  
And I feel my finger on your trigger---  
  
HOST DEMON: Okay Ms. Hot & Bothered. That's enough singing for you.... for the rest of your life.  
  
CORDY: (plops down next to Gunn) It's true you know.   
  
GUNN: You been drinkin' or somethin'? (inches away from her slowly)  
  
HOST DEMON: That being the.... erm, "feel good" song of the evening.... who's next? Bonus points to anyone who can give us a plot here before the readers go to sleep at the keyboard.  
  
CORDY: (leaning on Gunn's shoulder) You smell nice.  
  
GUNN: Who let her near the booze? Because she's major league obnoxious right now.  
  
XANDER: And resembling the Buff-ster after an all night kegger.  
  
BUFFY: (harumphs) How was I supposed to know it was drugged?!  
  
CORDY: You know who liked that? Doyle. (sniffles) I miss Doyle.  
  
GUNN: He liked you bein' obnoxious?  
  
CORDY: No, stupid!  
  
GUNN: He liked you stupid?  
  
CORDY: DRINK! He liked to DRINK! And he died----  
  
GUNN: Well, since I haven't seen this doiley--  
  
CORDY: DOYLE.  
  
GUNN: -- Doyle, around, I kinda figured as much.  
  
CORDY: He died a hero, ya know?  
  
HOST DEMON: Song cue.  
  
WILLOW: Hey! Why should she get two songs?!  
  
ALL: (stare)  
  
WILLOW: Not that it matters to me or anything....... (slides down as far as she can into her chair)  
  
CORDY: (swaying to the music in her mind) "Did you ever kn-OOOOOOW that you're my HEEEEEEEE-ro??"  
  
WILLOW: (makes a grunting sound)  
  
CORDY: (shrugs and changes songs) "I NEED A HERO..."  
  
WILLOW: (whimpers louder and plugs her ears)  
  
HOST: For the sake of you, the readers, I'd suggest quickly hitting the 'back' button on your browsers... and FAST. This could get ugly....  
  
CORDY: (slogging around) You know how many songs out there use 'Hero' in some way?  
  
HOST: (ducks under a nearby table for protection)


End file.
